12:35 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
I feel so stuck. I want to do EVERYTHING. Like I get this thought in my head that I want to, you know go skydiving. And then I'm like YES, let's do it. And then I'm like well I also want to go white water rafting, go to a red sox game, take a trip to hawaii, go back to california, visit gina and baby in georgia, go camping, go to a concert or two, ugh, so many things. not enough days in a week and certainly not enough money. i live a pretty hectic/ amazing life right now. i have no bills and i make good money. and i am happy. i have a sense of security that everything is going to work itself out. i need more exciting friends, people that just want to do things and stop worrying about the temporary things in life. i just want to...live. i work seven days a week, and i still maintain a pretty decent social life. stop bitching that your tired, and take a nap, stop bitching that you work too much or you are poor and fix it or deal with it. life is too damn short.

i want to do things. i want to do everything. i don't even know where to start, but i guess half the battle is knowing what you want....now to work on how to get it. i am lucky, and quite honestly, i am grateful. grateful to be alive. grateful i didnt let the bad times in my life pull me under. grateful for each and every single person that is or has been a part of my life.

i dont have close to everything that i want. i dont have the man of my dreams by my side, shit i dont even have a bed right now. i am 25 years old and sleeping on my moms couch. but damnit i am happier than i have ever been i think. not to say that i couldnt be happier because i certainly could. but knowing that i am fully capable of being happy on my own, with so little material things makes me pretty content. i never in my wildest dreams thought i could survive with out nate, but i am and i'm thriving. though i still hope wish dream and pray that the two of us could by some how end up back together, i am glad to know i dont need him, like i certainly convinced myself i did. though i do wish i had that boy. ahh, hind sight is 20/20.

what a cluster fuck this is.

ps the 4 and 1 year old i baby sit are the best kids in the universe. i forgot how much i adore children. i am ever so grateful for them as well. that teach me so much about myself. but they grow up too fast. =/