miss sheylala

Hmm, what to say. Life is intensely eventful lately. I like it because it passes the time, but I seriously am still seeking how and when I get to get the fuck out of hereeee. BAH

Miss Jessica is in town, haven't seen that bitch in two years, and though she's fer real a pain in my ass, I love her more than anything. We got matching tattoos, how cute. Having her makes me really miss Gina, and all the wonderous times we all had together. bah.

My vacation starts in 2days.... I am planning on spending a solid 7days up at camp. I have only missed one summer (last year) in all of my years alive going up there. so Yay for that.

I should be alseep right now, must wake up in 5 hours to watch Michael. Eep.

PS, I miss this kid in California.....a lot.

I should totally be sleeping now. Instead I'm just analyzing everything. Does everyone do this, or just girls? Like I'm freaking myself out with all the possible scenarios and it's annoying. It's weird, like I know the truth, or I think I do, but I'm sitting here thinking of all the negative situations that could be. So annoying. I suck.

I want to move. Seriously. I am really having a wonderful day everyday lately, but it's just distracting me from what I really want. And that is not to live out the rest of my life in Portsmouth, New Hampshire.

I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure. I feel like I need to not get my hopes so high, but I tend to think it's too late. I feel like a kite that some kid just let go of. I feel so out of control but in control at the same time.

Aye aye ayeeeee.

I cannot wait to go to San Diego. Seriously. 43 days I think? Cannot arrive fast enough.

Ah I had a moment of reflection today, it was just a moment. May have been a tear or two. But not really sad per say, I'm not sad about what happened, I'm just sad about what could have been. I guess? I am thankful that it's all turned out the way that it has. I seem to have found a happiness that I haven't had in a while.

It's so strange to me though, two months ago, I thought I would never be over Nate, I was seriously convinced that I would be ruined without him. Everyone told me that I would get over it and I knew I would. But, I never in my wildest dreams thought I would let another boy come close to me. I guess you could say I have come much further than I imagined, or something of the sort. Everything happens for a reason, thank God(?).

The first week in June I get to spend at the lakehouse. My family's camp that I have never missed a summer at, until last year. This year will make up for it. I also booked plane tickets to San Diego for the first week in July [eeep!] . And neither of these things can come fast enough.

I'm just happy. I'm totally okay with everything that's going on in life, I'm slightly confused because I don't know what I can attribute this happiness to, one thing? two things? a bunch of things? Either way, I'm not mad.

:)

So being a tad lazy today, I decided to reflect on life a little bit. I used to write in a blog, journal, whatever all the time. I haven't done it in 3 years. So as I reading back on all my antics from three years ago...I realized that I used to really enjoy having a way for people who I give a shit about to keep up with me, and more importantly to just get things out of my head without dumping them on a unsuspecting victim.

So, I figured I'd start another. I don't even care if no one ever reads it. But as I was pawing through all the old entries, I was reflecting on how much about me has changed, and how so very much has stayed just the same. I've grown up a bit, but I still think I'm awesome, I still love life, and I still hate the very same things.

In the past three years my life went from okay, to great, to amazing, to mediocre, to terrible and just about everything in between. I don't regret any of the past three years for a moment, it has all made me just who I am, but I am happy to say that I'm looking forward to better things.

I could spend some time catching up on what happened in the last three years, but honestly it's the past and not really worth it to me. My time with Nate had it's highs and it's lows and it most certainly did not turn out the way I had expected but it did all end up for the better. All in all it was a wonderful learning experience for the both of us. And I wouldn't change a thing about it.

I moved home two months ago, hardest decision I ever made and I never thought I would survive. Two months I feel like I'm thriving. I don't really have everything working in my favor, I am not even close to where I would rather be, but I haven't been this happy in a long time. I have the most amazing friends in the world. People who even thousands of miles away would do just about anything they could for me. I have family who supports me no matter what and loves me unconditionally whether they think I am an idiot or not. :)

As much as I love Portsmouth, I cannot wait to leave. I feel burnt out here. & I guess I just feel like there is much better things out there. So my life is an adventure. We shall see what happens next.....