12:35 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
I feel so stuck. I want to do EVERYTHING. Like I get this thought in my head that I want to, you know go skydiving. And then I'm like YES, let's do it. And then I'm like well I also want to go white water rafting, go to a red sox game, take a trip to hawaii, go back to california, visit gina and baby in georgia, go camping, go to a concert or two, ugh, so many things. not enough days in a week and certainly not enough money. i live a pretty hectic/ amazing life right now. i have no bills and i make good money. and i am happy. i have a sense of security that everything is going to work itself out. i need more exciting friends, people that just want to do things and stop worrying about the temporary things in life. i just want to...live. i work seven days a week, and i still maintain a pretty decent social life. stop bitching that your tired, and take a nap, stop bitching that you work too much or you are poor and fix it or deal with it. life is too damn short.


i want to do things. i want to do everything. i don't even know where to start, but i guess half the battle is knowing what you want....now to work on how to get it. i am lucky, and quite honestly, i am grateful. grateful to be alive. grateful i didnt let the bad times in my life pull me under. grateful for each and every single person that is or has been a part of my life.

i dont have close to everything that i want. i dont have the man of my dreams by my side, shit i dont even have a bed right now. i am 25 years old and sleeping on my moms couch. but damnit i am happier than i have ever been i think. not to say that i couldnt be happier because i certainly could. but knowing that i am fully capable of being happy on my own, with so little material things makes me pretty content. i never in my wildest dreams thought i could survive with out nate, but i am and i'm thriving. though i still hope wish dream and pray that the two of us could by some how end up back together, i am glad to know i dont need him, like i certainly convinced myself i did. though i do wish i had that boy. ahh, hind sight is 20/20.



what a cluster fuck this is.


ps the 4 and 1 year old i baby sit are the best kids in the universe. i forgot how much i adore children. i am ever so grateful for them as well. that teach me so much about myself. but they grow up too fast. =/

8:16 AM Edit This 0 Comments »


i just need to get this out real quick, and it wouldn't be nice of me to air in on facebook where it would potentially upset other people.

I seriously miss Virginia, my job, our house, our dogs, that life that I had with him. And more importantly I miss Nate, a lot. I don't think he realizes what he means to me. Through all this dumb shit I never stopped loving him, not for a second. I was never the nicest or best girlfriend in the world, but one thing I can definetly say without a single doubt in my mind, is I love(d) him unconditionally and still do. There is not a thing in the world that kid could do to make me hate him. What a terrible control for someone to have over me. I have talked to him, kind of. I try to not because it always makes me cry. He still tells me he loves me and he always will and that he's sorry for the decisions he made.


Ugh. It's been almost five months since I moved. And 8 months since we broke up. I'm ready for it to just give. But I'm still waiting for him to just say..."Sheyla, come back home."


:(


8:05 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

Aye aye aye.

I don't know what my issue is lately. But I am annoying myself with the fact that I have absolutely no idea what I want. It's not really like me. And what a drag.


I chopped all my hair off today. Not really sure how I feel about it yet, it's....quite short. Shorter than it has been in...forever. Yikes.



















I took a nap from 440-740 today. Um, hopefully I can still sleep tonight. I am currently filling in for Sherrie a lot at work because of the crazy girl that quit (thankgod!) and working twice a week babysitting for Michelle. So I...at the very least don't have a day off for the rest of the month. Which is okay by me, because it's money but maintaining a social life can get a tad difficult. Michelle asked me to go on a short vacation with them to the white mountains, I'm excited, her kids are so well behaved, and they love me and i love them so it works out quite well! =)

Mark and this long distance thing is kicking my ass, the fact that he is working nights right now, I don't think we ever talk. And um...that gets old quickly. BLAH.

For Bobbys (Marions boyfriend) birthday, we went to six flags and I went on this amazing ride thing, called the blitz i think. 200mph, 225 feet, 8seconds. was amazing. I neeeeeeed to go skydiving now. And really I need to own a boat. I would be the happiest ever to just...live on a boat. Ugh. Dreamin.


This is sporadic. I have amazing friends. And I love life. Only a few minor details, okay a lot, that need to fall into place. =)


xo

5:37 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

I keep trying to just live in the moment, but I just can't help but think ahead. I am so ready for big changes and growing up, more than I already have. I am 25, it's a terrible age, because I feel like my life is ticking out of control. I feel like it's only a matter of time before that window where normal people get married and make babies is about to escape me. I guess I just want things to fall into place. I'm ready to move on to bigger and better things. I'm sick of this scene. I don't want to rush anything, so I'm trying to just let things happen and go with the flow, but it's hard! I never thought I'd be this person, butttttttttt then again, I never thought I would be single at 25.


Anyyyyywhooooooo, I'm not mad at the way things are happening, I just wish they could just fall into place already. Everything, whatever it's gonna be, I'm ready for it. Uhhh... I think?

I seriously miss my dogs, I can't wait for the day when I can have another, life is just not the same without a puppy who adores you. Le sigh.

Random, but I am crazy in lust with James Morrison, well not really him but his voice, and his lyrics. =)


I miss Mark. The Navy seriously cramps my style as I am trying to get to the other side of the country to see him, again. It's kind of annoying but it is what it is, and there is not much that I can do about it.

Ah wellls.


Mmmkay, now to carry on with my lazy day :)

6:12 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Alright... so i haven't been neglecting my blog, i just.... had better thangs to do. Feels good to actually lay down right now, 9pm on a saturday night, and write. I really need to buy a book or something. Anywho

So I didn't work for two months when I moved back home, then started back at my old job. Kinda strange to work somewhere for 4 years, and take a 3 year hiatus only to go back again. Actually it's not weird at all, nothing has changed. Anyways I took vacation because Jess would be home and I really wanted to spend time up at camp. I have been to my family camp in Ossipee every year I can remember with the exception of one....last year. I went up there with some friends and beers and had a awesome time, hard not to when it's just so pretty and peaceful. Mister Marky Mark called me at like 7pm and asked me to change my Cali flights to this week. So I called and changed them after a slight hassle. I booked the flights at 7ish on a Tuesday night, drunk mind you, and flew from Boston to California at 7am the following morning. What a mess. However, the rewards were endless. I had an amazing time. Mark is seriously,
the best. So much more than I hoped for, which knowing me....says quite a bit.

I can't honestly say that I did all kinds of exciting things in San Diego, nothing extravagant but still seriously I had an amazing time. I love it out there, everyone is so content and the weather is constantly perfect. I raced a turtle, haha what? I got insanely wasted on numerous occasions. We went to a drive in. And I met a bunch of Marks friends, who though interesting seemed like pretty good kids. Navy kids, whattya want? All in all it was perfect, amazing and I can't wait to go back. =)

More importantly I can't wait to move...somewhere...anywhere....preferably not here. Sooner, than later.


I spoke to Nate recently. I'm glad that I can speak to him, being civil, and honestly completely platonic. I can't really be bothered with what or who he is doing, and though I feel bad saying this... I rarely ever think of him. In our short conversation he told me he's drinking daily, blowing all of his money, and essentially being a whore. Anyone who knows Nate knows all of all of these things are pretty well out of characteristic for him. So I am mildly worried, but I know him well enough to know he will be okay and I can't save him. I also know that I'm so glad that I have moved on from all that. So, Thank you Nathan.


I'm still exhausted from like 10 consecutive days of excessive drinking. And these allergies are not helping my eyes are burning and i'm congested and it's gross. Time to pretend to sleep.



8:59 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

Hmm, what to say. Life is intensely eventful lately. I like it because it passes the time, but I seriously am still seeking how and when I get to get the fuck out of hereeee. BAH

Miss Jessica is in town, haven't seen that bitch in two years, and though she's fer real a pain in my ass, I love her more than anything. We got matching tattoos, how cute. Having her makes me really miss Gina, and all the wonderous times we all had together. bah.

My vacation starts in 2days.... I am planning on spending a solid 7days up at camp. I have only missed one summer (last year) in all of my years alive going up there. so Yay for that.

I should be alseep right now, must wake up in 5 hours to watch Michael. Eep.


PS, I miss this kid in California.....a lot.

10:51 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
I should totally be sleeping now. Instead I'm just analyzing everything. Does everyone do this, or just girls? Like I'm freaking myself out with all the possible scenarios and it's annoying. It's weird, like I know the truth, or I think I do, but I'm sitting here thinking of all the negative situations that could be. So annoying. I suck.

I want to move. Seriously. I am really having a wonderful day everyday lately, but it's just distracting me from what I really want. And that is not to live out the rest of my life in Portsmouth, New Hampshire.

I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure. I feel like I need to not get my hopes so high, but I tend to think it's too late. I feel like a kite that some kid just let go of. I feel so out of control but in control at the same time.

Aye aye ayeeeee.


I cannot wait to go to San Diego. Seriously. 43 days I think? Cannot arrive fast enough.

Forward march.

8:52 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

Ah I had a moment of reflection today, it was just a moment. May have been a tear or two. But not really sad per say, I'm not sad about what happened, I'm just sad about what could have been. I guess? I am thankful that it's all turned out the way that it has. I seem to have found a happiness that I haven't had in a while.

It's so strange to me though, two months ago, I thought I would never be over Nate, I was seriously convinced that I would be ruined without him. Everyone told me that I would get over it and I knew I would. But, I never in my wildest dreams thought I would let another boy come close to me. I guess you could say I have come much further than I imagined, or something of the sort. Everything happens for a reason, thank God(?).


The first week in June I get to spend at the lakehouse. My family's camp that I have never missed a summer at, until last year. This year will make up for it. I also booked plane tickets to San Diego for the first week in July [eeep!] . And neither of these things can come fast enough.



I'm just happy. I'm totally okay with everything that's going on in life, I'm slightly confused because I don't know what I can attribute this happiness to, one thing? two things? a bunch of things? Either way, I'm not mad.

Hopefully we can ride this good things train for a little while longer, I'm not even tryin' to get off.

:)

3:16 PM Posted In , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
So being a tad lazy today, I decided to reflect on life a little bit. I used to write in a blog, journal, whatever all the time. I haven't done it in 3 years. So as I reading back on all my antics from three years ago...I realized that I used to really enjoy having a way for people who I give a shit about to keep up with me, and more importantly to just get things out of my head without dumping them on a unsuspecting victim.

So, I figured I'd start another. I don't even care if no one ever reads it. But as I was pawing through all the old entries, I was reflecting on how much about me has changed, and how so very much has stayed just the same. I've grown up a bit, but I still think I'm awesome, I still love life, and I still hate the very same things.

In the past three years my life went from okay, to great, to amazing, to mediocre, to terrible and just about everything in between. I don't regret any of the past three years for a moment, it has all made me just who I am, but I am happy to say that I'm looking forward to better things.

I could spend some time catching up on what happened in the last three years, but honestly it's the past and not really worth it to me. My time with Nate had it's highs and it's lows and it most certainly did not turn out the way I had expected but it did all end up for the better. All in all it was a wonderful learning experience for the both of us. And I wouldn't change a thing about it.

I moved home two months ago, hardest decision I ever made and I never thought I would survive. Two months I feel like I'm thriving. I don't really have everything working in my favor, I am not even close to where I would rather be, but I haven't been this happy in a long time. I have the most amazing friends in the world. People who even thousands of miles away would do just about anything they could for me. I have family who supports me no matter what and loves me unconditionally whether they think I am an idiot or not. :)

As much as I love Portsmouth, I cannot wait to leave. I feel burnt out here. & I guess I just feel like there is much better things out there. So my life is an adventure. We shall see what happens next.....




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